It's the definition of insanity... to do the same thing again and again and expect a different outcome.
But I've never doubted I'm insane.
So I sit here, so early in the morning that the sun is violet on the horizon, I sit here and think of you. I am called back to the places that I know you go... or use to go. I find messages in code that say you're looking for someone, is it me? You speak of cords that bind, cords that through time and distance cease to be broken even if they are as think as a spider's thread. I feel that pull, it's the pull that drags me back to your memory even if I know we did it wrong, were wrong, are wrong for one another. It's the place in my heart and memory held just for you... But you are not the same you, not the same as you were all those years ago, as I am not the same me, not as I was then. I am greyer in the mirror, and wiser in the mind, my temper softened, my hurts deepened. Like an old stallion broken by the saddle, not as wild, not as strong... but reliable, changed, taught new strengths which is what I suppose I aught to be. And what of you? Are you still the storm that you once were, or has time softened and refined you to a sweet and warm summer breeze.
I will tell you a secret if you never ask me to repeat it, when I look at her I sometimes see you... But she doesn't have your river eyes, the ones that are so deep and old. In fact despite her physical age, which is a good deal older then my own, she is like a child to the universe. She is so lost in the black and white, her spirit feisty with the injustices of everything, she does not have your patience... or your pain.
I still think of our quite dialogues, I still think that you know my soul better then any. You who could see the old man in me, and could tame him with a word. You could call me back to you with a whisper, in fact in those moments when I have wandered to these lonely tombs, I can't help but wonder if you already have. Do I travel here because my name is in the whisper of your mind? I have no where else to go, these are the spaces left to us; although I know you are in the rest of the world and I know I could reach out to you there... it's impossible. We tried it once... just reaching past our current realms... it didn't work. Despite the time that's past, the things that keep us separate are still there and so we drifted back to our own shores, and it was as it was. But I wonder if there comes a time when we have been sculpted new and all the old is gone, will there be a place for these two old souls. Not as lovers, I suppose, I doubt we will have that chance again, but I hope as ones in love. A companionship I should have offered you then, but didn't know how to give. It is at this point my greatest regret, and I wonder if it shall always be. I do not feel bad for the romance, and the passion that we had, even briefly. But I do have great regret for the fact that I did not forgo those things to offer you the true companionship that could have held our love tight together through all the trials and tribulations. I realize now that there is ever only one true sin and that is selfishness, for all things breed from that point. I wanted to love you and have your love in return above all things, and I think that while for a moment it emblazoned you with strength it also destroyed the safety that you had build for yourself. And I should have know, I should have seen it, but all I wanted was one more kiss or blush. I am sorry my angel.